


Not as awkward as he thought

by Unknown_Writer



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 22:01:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17816291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unknown_Writer/pseuds/Unknown_Writer
Summary: Thomas decides to have small talk with Alfred after the cricket match.He's trying.Alfred is awkward.The conversation goes better than expected.





	Not as awkward as he thought

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or series.
> 
> I wondered what the evening would be like after the cricket match as I would have thought Thomas knew the police had been called.  
> I ended up with this.  
> Most likely very unlikely to ever have happened but I hope you enjoy.

‘Alfred, may I have a word with you?’ Alfred looked stunned to be addressed by Thomas, and Thomas could understand that. He had never been the nicest to the tall man, but after today, he felt maybe he needed to talk to him. He wasn’t surprised to see Alfred pausing, reluctant to be alone with him, but after a moment, he nodded.

Thomas gestured towards the boot room as it was empty, and after making sure no one else was in the corridor, he followed inside. 

This was not a conversation he wanted anyone else to hear.

‘I know you reported me to the police Alfred,’ Thomas made sure to keep his voice neutral, he wasn’t angry and he didn’t want Alfred to get the wrong impression about why he wanted to talk. 

‘I’m sorry Mr Barrow. I-‘ Alfred cut himself off from whatever he was about to say but Thomas could take a pretty good guess what he was going to say and it wouldn’t have been pleasant.

‘I’m not angry. I understand why you did it Alfred.’ Thomas kept his eyes low, not wanting their gaze to meet, but he felt this was important. He had never had a conversation like this before, but with Alfred’s defence of him to the police, at Lord Grantham’s urging Thomas knew, he wanted Alfred to understand a bit more. 

No one had ever stood up for him before until today. He could understand why Alfred had done it, he had been urged to but Mr Bates and Lord Grantham, but his Lordship and Bates were far less clear in their motives. They were the puzzle to him. 

That scared Thomas more than anything.

‘Lord Grantham told me to be kind, that we have all sinned.’ It seemed Alfred was also awkward about this meeting, then again, he was always awkward so it was hard to tell the difference. 

No, that was unkind, he was not going to be unkind.

‘I know it’s a sin Alfred.’ Thomas stopped, this wasn’t going to go how he wanted if he started that way. ‘I know you like Ivy, why do you like her?’ Alfred seemed startled at this sudden new direction Thomas had taken and it was obvious it was not the way he expected this conversation to go.

‘Excuse me?’

‘Why do you like Ivy?’ Thomas repeated himself, his voice quieter and his hands started to shake, but he had set himself on this path and he wasn’t going to deviate. Who said he was stubborn?

‘Her spirit, her warmth, her friendliness. I suppose I liked her looks to begin with Mr Barrow if I’m to be honest, then I started to get to know her and I liked her more.’ Thomas could feel tension rising in him. This wasn’t something he had ever talked about; never thought he would ever talk about. 

The threat of prison was always in his mind and today that fear had so very nearly come true. Now, he was about to talk about it, in the open to another person. It was terrifying but he had to make the words come out. He had to make himself understood, this was important, very important to him to say this. He wanted to be heard by someone and now he had a chance.

‘I have never felt that way about a lady.’ The words were out there, in the open. 

And the world hadn’t ended.

Thomas finally looked up at Alfred, and while the young man was wide eyed, especially at hearing those words out loud he wasn’t running out of the room screaming or shouting for Mr Carson so Thomas took it as a win.

‘I have tried, I never wanted to be different but no matter how I tried-‘ Thomas caught himself again. ‘I wanted to love a lady, get married, have children, be like everyone else.’ It was hard to admit his old dreams out loud, things he had long given up on, hadn’t thought about in years. 

They were impossibilities. 

‘Why can’t you?’ Alfred did look puzzled, as though he was really interested in the answer. The taller man shifted so he was leaning against the wall more comfortably, but Thomas couldn’t relax. Didn’t want to let his guard down. He could never tell how people would react and would much rather have his wits about him just in case.

‘I only wish I knew.’ Thomas answered truthfully, being as honest as he could be. ‘I have always had my eye caught in other directions. No matter how hard I tried, it was always men who caught my attention. Like you said, their looks, their personalities, that certain spark that makes you smile.’

‘You only like certain people? Not all men? You don’t like me that way do you?’ The fear in Alfred’s voice was something Thomas had worried about. He could only assume it was fear that made people hate him. It was certainly fear that made him lash out at others, always afraid they would know his secret, judge him for it, punish him for it. It was a question he could easily answer though.

‘No, I do not like you that way. I do not like all men that way. Do you like every woman you meet? Are you soft on Mrs Patmore? Mrs Hughes? should we be worried about you with the Ladies upstairs?’ Thomas pointed out and was rewarded with a cringe from the other man.

‘No, it isn’t every person, just special people, just some.’ Alfred answered honestly.

‘I am the same. I am just the same as you. I don’t go soft on every man. I have my own types I like, personalities and sometimes people that I can’t help but feel soft about.’ Thomas was brutal in his own honesty without naming anyone or any specifics to his preferences. There were some things that would remain just with him and not to be shared with anyone. Ever.

‘Can’t you just ignore it?’

‘Can you ignore how you feel about Ivy? Put it in a box and pretend it isn’t there?’ Thomas was being a bit more careful. He didn’t want Alfred to feel as though he couldn’t ask questions otherwise this whole embarrassing conversation would have been for nothing. He was impressed though with Alfred’s willingness to continue the conversation and not run from it as Thomas expected most would do in Alfred’s place.

‘No, I guess not. But it isn’t a sin for me to like her.’ Alfred’s reply brought Thomas swiftly back to the conversation and away from his musings. There would be time for that later. He suspected after a day like today sleep would not be easy for him giving him plenty of time to mull and pick apart every word and decision he had made.

What a wonderful night that was going to be.

‘It isn’t a sin no.’ Thomas agreed, ‘but if the church declared it to be a sin. If she were Catholic or a fallen woman? If she were divorced or bore an illegitimate child?’

‘She isn’t though!’ Alfred protested, shocked at the comparison.

‘I know she is none of those things. But if a person you loved were, if they were any of those people and you really loved her, would that stop you, even though it is against what society says. If they were the only people you ever had feelings for, could you live your life alone, forever, so people didn’t hate you, fear you? Could you reject every person you loved or cared about because others judged you for being wrong?’ Thomas couldn’t stop the words tumbling out. He hoped he was making sense because it felt like a wave had risen up and was sweeping the words out into existence.

‘I don’t think I could Mr Barrow. I don’t want to spend my life alone, and I do want to be married and have children.’ Alfred paused, his face furrowed in concentration as he carefully measured his words. ‘I would hope that if I really loved someone I would be able to let pass whatever they had done, be able to look past the situation or sin. I hope I would, truly.’

‘Thank you Alfred, I think that’s the best anyone can ask for.’ Thomas accepted. At least Alfred was honest, it was hard going against society, sometimes impossible. It was hard to know how anyone would react in those circumstances, you just had to hope you did the best you could and not have any regrets.

‘I don’t understand you Mr Barrow, but maybe you could help me understand you better?’ Alfred met Thomas’ eyes as he stood up straight. ‘I will think on everything you have said, but I would like it if maybe we could get on better, let me understand you a bit more.’ Thomas snorted.

‘I think it would help if I understood myself,’ Thomas rolled his eyes at himself. ‘I would like that though, but don’t think I will go easy on you for your work.’ Alfred held out a hand and Thomas accepted the gesture, shaking it.

It was a gesture he had never expected but it gave him a spark of hope. That spark not everyone was as bad those who had treated him differently and without kindness in the past.

‘I would expect nothing less Mr Barrow.’ Alfred gave a smile that Thomas felt himself returning. ‘Would you like to play some cards this evening?’ Thomas could feel the tension draining from his body leaving him feeling slightly weak. The tiredness from the earlier cricket game seeped into him along with the stress of seeing the police car drive up and then being told of the interactions that had followed. He wasn’t ready to turn in just yet though, and the idea of friendship with someone who didn’t seem to hate him felt nice.

‘Okay, sounds good to me. I’ll meet you there’ Thomas agreed needing a moment to collect himself and his thoughts before going back into the real world. He assumed there must have been something on his face that meant Alfred didn’t ask why Thomas wasn’t following him immediately. As he reached the door, Alfred paused and turned back to Thomas.

‘Do you want me to send Jimmy to you, so you can talk to him as well?’ Thomas couldn’t find it in him to smile at the innocent question. Jimmy would be a lot less forgiving, if he ever did. No matter how much he wanted to be Jimmy’s friend, he would have liked to have been much more than a friend, he knew that wasn’t going to be possible. Probably never be possible if he knew Jimmy. 

‘I don’t think that will make any difference. He’s angry, and-‘ Thomas lost his composure a bit. He’d never had many friends before and to have lost Jimmy was a blow to his heart he wasn’t sure how to fix. ‘Talking to him won’t make a difference, he won’t care why I am this way. He’s scared about what other people think of him, how I made him look to everyone else.’

‘We don’t think anything bad about him,’ Alfred protested, then cringed that he had implied they were thinking something bad about Thomas. ‘They aren’t thinking bad things about you either. No one was surprised you were that way, at least Mr Carson, Mrs Hughes, Mrs Patmore, Anna and Mr Bates. I don’t know about anyone else.’

‘They all knew? Before now!’ Thomas yelped. He’d been discreet! How could they possibly know? He wasn’t Oscar Wilde, he wasn’t artistic and he certainly wasn’t one of those he saw in London who wore dresses and rouge. 

‘Yes Mr Barrow.’ Alfred looked awkward now as though he was afraid Thomas was about to have a nervous breakdown, and to be honest, Thomas was a little afraid of that as well. Thomas could feel his hands shaking harder, his breaths coming shorter and his knees were feeling wobbly. Alfred grabbed his arm and pulled him to a chair, pushing his head down and instructing him calmly to breathe.

‘Mr Barrow, you are alright. You have been very brave, very brave,’ Mrs Hughes voice broke through the black spots starting to dance in his vision. ‘Take a deep breath for me, come on now, don’t be stubborn. You can do it.’ While his first instinct was to do the opposite to what he was told to do, all his training in service and his respect for Mrs Hughes made him obey.

‘Mrs Hughes?’ Thomas double checked, though he couldn’t think of anyone else who would have to come to him again when he was at his worst.

‘Surely I’m not that much of a surprise to you?’ Mrs Hughes asked him, amused at the question.

‘I think Mrs Hughes, you will never stop surprising me.’ Thomas admitted, leaning his head on her shoulder as she pulled him closer to her, rubbing a calming hand over his back. 

There were only three people he could remember that had made him feel so safe, reassured and cared for. All three had been women from the Abbey, each helping him at his worst moments; Lady Nurse Sybil, Anna and Mrs Hughes.

‘I should certainly hope I can always surprise people. There has to be some pleasures in life.’ The undignified snort Thomas gave out made Mrs Hughes chuckle, and from his side, it seems Alfred was also chuckling softly. 

‘Sorry if I scared you Alfred.’ Thomas lifted his head up, and up, to look at the young man next to him, who maybe looked a little relieved that Mrs Hughes had been there. Who really wanted to deal with a hysterical Val-no, under Butler?

‘I’m fine Mr Barrow. I’m sorry of I scared you, I didn’t mean to make you,’ Alfred gestured at Thomas, not really knowing how to finish the sentence.

‘You just shocked me.’ Thomas admitted. ‘How did you know I needed help?’ Thomas looked once more at Mrs Hughes who gave him a firm and steady look.

‘I saw you and Alfred about to go somewhere and wanted to make sure there wasn’t going to be any retribution, from either of you, for earlier. I am very proud of the way both of   
you are handing this, I know it hasn’t been easy on either of you.’

‘Thank you Mrs Hughes,’ both men answered simultaneously, shooting glances at each other as they did so and Thomas could feel a swell of pride bubbling in his chest. Compliments were rare for him and he treasured each and every one he received. They meant even more when they were from Mrs Hughes.

‘Now, I believe you have a card game to get to,’ Mrs Hughes stood up from where she had been kneeling in front of Thomas, giving him a pat on the shoulder as she looked between the two of them.

‘I will be Jimmy’s friend, none of this is his fault. Maybe one day he’ll forgive me.’ Thomas told Alfred grimly, finishing their conversation hopefully for good. Alfred gave a sharp nod while Mrs Hughes placed a comforting hand on the small of his back.

‘It sounds like a wonderful idea Thomas, but don’t blame yourself too much. You were both manipulated and while I am very impressed with your handling of the situation I do not want you to feel as though you are the only one to blame here.’

‘Mrs Hughes I appreciate what you are saying, and I thank you for it. I know I am to blame though, manipulation or no. I just have to live with this.’ Thomas was resigned but still gave a small smile. He patted Mrs Hughes hand as she was about to protest at his statement and he guessed she knew he was about to be stubborn again as she gave him an exasperated look and went in a different direction.

‘Alright, today is supposed to be a fun day. We may not have won the cricket but you two did very well, especially you Mr Barrow. So no more frowns and if you feel as though you could lose to a middle aged lady, come and deal me in.’ Mrs Hughes bold statement instantly lightened the room leaving Alfred looked slightly stunned. 

‘Mrs Hughes,’ Thomas looked impressed, ‘I think I love you more each day.’

‘Watch yourself Mr Barrow, you’re making me all of a flutter. What would Mr Carson say?’ Mrs Hughes mock fanned herself causing Alfred and Thomas to start laughing. 

‘We would be honoured Mrs Hughes.’ Thomas offered his arm, which Mrs Hughes took and escorted her out of the boot room, Alfred following closely behind.   
It may have started out a bad day, but he had never expected where he had ended up, not being arrested, being able to keep his job and having a civilised conversation with Mrs Hughes and Alfred.

Although, he had a feeling he was going to need to keep an eye on Mrs Hughes, especially when she played cards. If he had learned anything about her over the last few days it was that she was certainly not one to underestimate. 

He couldn’t love her any more.


End file.
